Monday, August 31, 2009

Sunday, August 30, 2009

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg


size 25!! I AM A SIZE 0!!!

so yeah.. i totally did it you guys. I'm a size 0. From a 142 lb size 2 or 4 (26 or 27!) down to a 1-- lb (still afraid to weigh in!) size 0 or 2!!! I'm really pumped. I bought some skinny jeans.. and I figured even though I'm lighter I still am curvy... and asked for 26's and 27's to try on and all the 27's were huge. Some of the 26's were questionable... and the store manager (I'm cool with the people at Lucky Jeans!) was like.. "Well, you're really slim, try some 25's..." and I figured it was the moment of truth.. time to give it a shot

AND THEY FIT. some were a bit constricting but they fit! I was afraid to buy all 0's so I got one pair in a size 0/25 and my other pair is a size 2/26!!!!! I also went in sephora to get a lipgloss cuz I had a gift card. I'm going to macy's to see if I can find a Chanel eyebrow pencil, otherwise I'm gonna get a MAC one when I need more Studio Fix... I really want YSL's new mascara. Apparently it makes you look like you have extensions and Sephora is now carrying YSL cosmetics... I need a better blowdryer and a CHI flatiron too. Trying to be pretty is costly.

anyway, on friday my bf was sick so i went out partying... haha... met some hotties who are trying to "get at me"... I'm non-intersted but all saturday they were blowing up the celly... i figured they'd just be fun party connects if i get bored one day. I DID NOT make out with anyone tho. Ran into some people who I did make out with tho haha... but yeah anywaysss

I'm going to start my new running program from Womens' Health Magazine. if you look at .. its there. I can run for about 7minute before I'm kinda beat and begging myself to keep going. I'm going to start at week one's set of intervals. It also says to start with a 5 minute warm up. I'm gonna do 5 mins on the elliptical beforehand. If you're not going to run outdoors it says to put the tredmill on a 1% incline

Week 1: Run 2 min, walk 3 min; repeat 6 times
Week 2: Run 3 min, walk 3 min; repeat 5 times
Week 3: Run 5 min, walk 2 min; repeat 4 times
Week 4: Run 7 min, walk 3 min; repeat 3 times
Week 5: Run 8 min, walk 2 min; repeat 3 times
Week 6: Run 9 min, walk 1 min; repeat 3 times
Week 7: Run 30 minutes

So on sunday-tuesday-thursday I'm going to do my runs. On tuesday I also do pilates. On weds I do kickboxing. Every other day is pretty much stairstepper and/or Zoomba class.

so i think I SHOULDN'T put on weight as long as I keep up with eating right, taking alli, and stay away from junk food (WHICH I'VE DONE SINCE APRIL BTW!) So now that I am a size 0 my new goal is pretty much either being 99 or 89 lbs. I don't know which will look best on me (I'm like 110-ish if I'm guessing right) size I'm already a 0.

hope you're all doing ok :-)

how are all of you doing with everything! tell me! I wanna see some comments about your lives when I get back from the gym!






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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I honestly hate looking at my body in mirrors. Its like one of my weird body image issue things... i rarely do it... today I made a mistake in victoria's secret walked and LOOKED DEAD IN MY FACE in a full body mirror.

UGGGHHHHHH... HIPS!!! i have crazy hips... I feel like even tho i lost "butt weight" I still have too much! I know I'm really not fat but its ingrained in my mind that i have really fat lower body parts... from the boobs down. I HATE IT ALL... its so hard to deal with KNOWING i'm not fat but FEELING AND THINKING i am... its a really psycho feeling.

My mom's asking me if I lost more weight so it must be a sign if she can notice and she sees me daily... but I saw myself today and its like a fight between two sides of my brain!

anyway, I haven't hit the gym as hard as I should last week due to not being about to afford the membership... but I SWEAR to you, me, and whomever i need to swear to prove i'm serious... SIZE 0 OR BUST... I feel like i'm gaining weight from not working out the way I usually do.. and maybe i have.. and after seeing my hips... I just wanna make sure I don't end up 142 EVER again...

anyway... now that i got that out.... i'm working on getting stuff together to apply to grad schools :-) yay... i have pretty dookie grades so i gotta KILL the GRE. I wanna apply to at least 10 schools... cuz... SOMEONE has to say yes... i just gotta find them.

i decided i wanna start RUNNING more. its a really good full body workout and Women's Health had a really good "running starter" program. I'm gonna start it this monday.. I'd start today, but Monday starts are just a psychologically better thing to do.. lol

after seeing my thighs i have a really trigger-y feeling with myself so I'm really trying to NOT buy a laxative.. and NOT purge... and NOT do some stupid crash diet.

speaking of stupid crash diets I need apples ...

sorry this is a crazy post... but wow... i am really facing the fact that I have some sort of body image issue.. its hard

<3 love and luck

Sunday, August 23, 2009

how are all of you doing? hope youre all being healthy and working towards meeting all of your fitness and beauty goals :)

my boyfriend pretty much is the same. he still annoys me... he still throws tantrums about little stuff and its because hes a man child. I really like him but I just don't know sometimes. And that hurts. It seems like he likes to push my buttons and say out of line crap during fights and then just apologize and blame it on his temper. I just want a stress-free relationship... but I see its not happening. His temper is embarrassing. He argues to the point of physicality and picks fights with his friends... ugh. I just cannot imagine me not being with him. STUPID REASON TO HAVE A CRAPPY BF.

So i guess it almost is sensible that I seek stress-free fun behind his back. I lied and told him i was going to the mall with a friend.. we hit the beach ... just to chill and relax. I lie about sleeping over friends houses to party all night long with people who just wanna drink, and chill, enjoy some music...

but those parties are full of tempting boys and its hard to keep my "im in a long term relationship" mentality when my boyfriend is pissing me off and I'm drunk. We already tried a break, and I know in my head that I already lied about not being at the party... may as well dig the hole deeper, ha

a lot of guys don't care tho. they just wanna dance and make out a little and usually if they are hot i'm down. I'm a flirt... I like to see if I can get what I want, ya know.

A few really good parties in which i had some fun boys to play with just passed these few weekends. I started an underwear afterparty at one... haha.. just me and two guys who were roomates and a mattress in the middle of the floor :-) nothing dirty, no sex... just a really hot make out session... then I took a shower with my favorite one...

and ya know, its like "sure I got a bf..." but I'm young, I'm safe about it. and I'm just annoyed with things. If me defusing at a party he doesn't know about and kissing a couple other boys gives me the piece of mind to go back home to him, then so be it. Who knows how long ago I woulda dumped him if I didn't have an outlet to friggin release...

But I wanna get it all out this summer. Summer has long represented "cutting loose", and letting go of the rules... so I'm gonna just live it up. Come September the summer party kids are all gonna fall apart anyway. Its fun to pretend we're gonna be doing this forever but... most of them don't have houses let alone cars. Its gonna be hard to do this during cold weather and school. We'll prob have get togethers, but they will never be like May-August. I guess I have something to look forward too. I have been dubbed "the best party girl in town" ha!

I'm going to the gym to renew my membership today :-). I was broke for a while so I had to wait till today.. mostly just did weights in my room to make up for it. Obviously calories fly around my mind all day.. so restricting was natural. there were days I ate more than I felt would be safe. But I always know how to make up for it. I was able to keep laxatives out of my shopping cart too... so close. and sometimes I think about purging. But I don't. That would be a waste of alli.

speaking of the ALLI... the girl who taught me about it last year. FAT. AND DUMPED. she has the female version of a beer gut -- aka "pregnancy belly". and she's not expecting. its tragic. But her bf is a manager at work, and I know he's down for fun... HA! but we'll see. fall-spring is prime time for work hook ups... but I'm not really putting myself out there like that.

I just wanna focus on hitting some weight goals, and I would LOVE to finally have a 6-pack for halloween. I wanna see about grad school, and I finally wanna live how I want.

I've been censoring my self ever since me and my bf got really serious. He hates tattoos and piercings and... well, I want some more... and I'm done being afraid he'll be mad at me if i do it. I wanna have total confidence and control of my appearance-- clothing wise, weight wise, and BODY ART WISE... and if he don't like it he should just dump me already!

We're going to NYC for a music festival and its gonna be TONS OF PRETTY RAVE GIRLS... so I wanna get a couple cute outfits and make some more candi. plus i wanna work out... so i've got to run

and sorry this was long... this is my way to release my thoughts...



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love + luck

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I randomly feel really inspired... I think its the fact that Im back on lj more, and looking at thinspo more and reading how everyone is doing so much. I wanna do more.. I'm definitely in the process of trying to find a better job after reading one girl's entry about trying to get a spot as a manager in a store... Before I didn't have a bachelors and I make about $27k or so a year... now i have a Bachelor's... I should definitely be worth at least a few thousand dollars more a year now!

I want to try for a Master's.. or do whatever it takes to put me in the position to pursue one...

and most of all I'm ready to get the body I always wanted. I cannot believe how I used to be... I tried so hard and got so ... well.. NOWHERE... I'd always gain it back. I still worry about purging. And sometimes I can just FEEELLL myself about to binge. I miss the emptiness I would feel after laxatives. I just know those things don't fit into the future i want to make for myself... thin, successful, AND HEALTHY!

I WAS gonna go try to find some new thinspo.. but its my bf's poker nite, so I'll have at least 4 hours to do that lol... so tomorrow will be some fresh pix... I really wish i could find more REAL BLACK GIRL thinspo... It seems all i can find is celebrity or model black thinspo.. i wanna see regular black girls... like me..

I'm going to NYC for a music festival labor day weekend and i want to be THINNNNN... I'm 108 as of last weigh in (before i got my period and got BLOATED LIKE A MUTHER) and I'm not sure if I'll weigh in this sat (depends if i'm over my "visitor" or not)... but I am shooting for 98 lbs!! Yes... I want to be 98 lbs by labor day weekend!

I'm really craving some knee high boots... and I'd love to be skinny enough to rock some with shorts at the festival!!

  • B: banana
  • S: 2 vegan/organic Late July cookies (110)
  • S: apple
  • L: WENDY'S ckn nuggets (230)
  • S: So Delicious vegan coconut milk yogurt (140) + organic grapes and organic blueberries
  • D: Chinese -- chicken with brocoli + pork fried rice (~600)
  • S: 4 Newman's own dairy/wheat free cookies (260)
  • TOTAL:: ~1340
I didn't go to the gym yesterday cuz i felt bad... but i don't care.. today i feel better and I'm about to go HARD at the gym and move on!
to motivate me for the festival... PARTY GIRLS and RAVE girl thinspo! I'll be finding new stuff tonite :)










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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

So I'm going to make this my intro-- a little about me. I'm 23 years old. 5 foot 1.5 inches. Black female, dating a white male. I like fashion, music, partying... you know the good stuff!

I've struggled with my body image for the longest. The best way for me to describe it is the moment I remembered most as the moment that changed everything...

I was in the 2nd grade and my friend said that I looked pregnant in a shirt i was wearing. I had always sort of been competitive with this girl... she was sooo pretty.. we were both short... we both loved the same things... and her calling me pregnant hurt more than anything. She thought I was fat... and I had to do something about it...

so that moment has lead to fasting, binging, purging, self hate, hiding in my clothes, hiding from the world, fad diets, laxatives, and... pretty much an ED-NOSy lifestyle...

I used to be a size 0. By December 2008 I was a size 2/4 and about 140 lbs. I knew I had to do something. the purging, the laxing, the fasting... wasn't really doing anything after about a decade of it, I guess it started to backfire on me.

Last spring 2009, I decided I wanted to be healthy. I made and still make a few mistakes ( few binges, few purges, few laxes) but I cut my self down to 108 lbs (as of last weigh in) and none of my size 2's fit anymore :)

I decided my main goal would be to hit 99 lbs or to be a size 0. Whatever is the hardest. I have finally committed myself to.. MYSELF... and I know I can be the skinny girl I want to be if I work at it.

I use Barbie as a "muse"... she has it all. She's got her boy, she's got her career(s!), she's got her clothes, she's got her hair, her style, her fashion... SHE HAS HER EVERYTHING TOGETHER... and she's got a body so perfect its plastic ;-)

I want to be someone's Barbie... I want to be someones thinspo!