how are all of you doing? hope youre all being healthy and working towards meeting all of your fitness and beauty goals :)

my boyfriend pretty much is the same. he still annoys me... he still throws tantrums about little stuff and its because hes a man child. I really like him but I just don't know sometimes. And that hurts. It seems like he likes to push my buttons and say out of line crap during fights and then just apologize and blame it on his temper. I just want a stress-free relationship... but I see its not happening. His temper is embarrassing. He argues to the point of physicality and picks fights with his friends... ugh. I just cannot imagine me not being with him. STUPID REASON TO HAVE A CRAPPY BF.

So i guess it almost is sensible that I seek stress-free fun behind his back. I lied and told him i was going to the mall with a friend.. we hit the beach ... just to chill and relax. I lie about sleeping over friends houses to party all night long with people who just wanna drink, and chill, enjoy some music...

but those parties are full of tempting boys and its hard to keep my "im in a long term relationship" mentality when my boyfriend is pissing me off and I'm drunk. We already tried a break, and I know in my head that I already lied about not being at the party... may as well dig the hole deeper, ha

a lot of guys don't care tho. they just wanna dance and make out a little and usually if they are hot i'm down. I'm a flirt... I like to see if I can get what I want, ya know.

A few really good parties in which i had some fun boys to play with just passed these few weekends. I started an underwear afterparty at one... haha.. just me and two guys who were roomates and a mattress in the middle of the floor :-) nothing dirty, no sex... just a really hot make out session... then I took a shower with my favorite one...

and ya know, its like "sure I got a bf..." but I'm young, I'm safe about it. and I'm just annoyed with things. If me defusing at a party he doesn't know about and kissing a couple other boys gives me the piece of mind to go back home to him, then so be it. Who knows how long ago I woulda dumped him if I didn't have an outlet to friggin release...

But I wanna get it all out this summer. Summer has long represented "cutting loose", and letting go of the rules... so I'm gonna just live it up. Come September the summer party kids are all gonna fall apart anyway. Its fun to pretend we're gonna be doing this forever but... most of them don't have houses let alone cars. Its gonna be hard to do this during cold weather and school. We'll prob have get togethers, but they will never be like May-August. I guess I have something to look forward too. I have been dubbed "the best party girl in town" ha!

I'm going to the gym to renew my membership today :-). I was broke for a while so I had to wait till today.. mostly just did weights in my room to make up for it. Obviously calories fly around my mind all day.. so restricting was natural. there were days I ate more than I felt would be safe. But I always know how to make up for it. I was able to keep laxatives out of my shopping cart too... so close. and sometimes I think about purging. But I don't. That would be a waste of alli.

speaking of the ALLI... the girl who taught me about it last year. FAT. AND DUMPED. she has the female version of a beer gut -- aka "pregnancy belly". and she's not expecting. its tragic. But her bf is a manager at work, and I know he's down for fun... HA! but we'll see. fall-spring is prime time for work hook ups... but I'm not really putting myself out there like that.

I just wanna focus on hitting some weight goals, and I would LOVE to finally have a 6-pack for halloween. I wanna see about grad school, and I finally wanna live how I want.

I've been censoring my self ever since me and my bf got really serious. He hates tattoos and piercings and... well, I want some more... and I'm done being afraid he'll be mad at me if i do it. I wanna have total confidence and control of my appearance-- clothing wise, weight wise, and BODY ART WISE... and if he don't like it he should just dump me already!

We're going to NYC for a music festival and its gonna be TONS OF PRETTY RAVE GIRLS... so I wanna get a couple cute outfits and make some more candi. plus i wanna work out... so i've got to run

and sorry this was long... this is my way to release my thoughts...



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love + luck