Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I honestly hate looking at my body in mirrors. Its like one of my weird body image issue things... i rarely do it... today I made a mistake in victoria's secret walked and LOOKED DEAD IN MY FACE in a full body mirror.

UGGGHHHHHH... HIPS!!! i have crazy hips... I feel like even tho i lost "butt weight" I still have too much! I know I'm really not fat but its ingrained in my mind that i have really fat lower body parts... from the boobs down. I HATE IT ALL... its so hard to deal with KNOWING i'm not fat but FEELING AND THINKING i am... its a really psycho feeling.

My mom's asking me if I lost more weight so it must be a sign if she can notice and she sees me daily... but I saw myself today and its like a fight between two sides of my brain!

anyway, I haven't hit the gym as hard as I should last week due to not being about to afford the membership... but I SWEAR to you, me, and whomever i need to swear to prove i'm serious... SIZE 0 OR BUST... I feel like i'm gaining weight from not working out the way I usually do.. and maybe i have.. and after seeing my hips... I just wanna make sure I don't end up 142 EVER again...

anyway... now that i got that out.... i'm working on getting stuff together to apply to grad schools :-) yay... i have pretty dookie grades so i gotta KILL the GRE. I wanna apply to at least 10 schools... cuz... SOMEONE has to say yes... i just gotta find them.

i decided i wanna start RUNNING more. its a really good full body workout and Women's Health had a really good "running starter" program. I'm gonna start it this monday.. I'd start today, but Monday starts are just a psychologically better thing to do.. lol

after seeing my thighs i have a really trigger-y feeling with myself so I'm really trying to NOT buy a laxative.. and NOT purge... and NOT do some stupid crash diet.

speaking of stupid crash diets I need apples ...

sorry this is a crazy post... but wow... i am really facing the fact that I have some sort of body image issue.. its hard

<3 love and luck

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